


Pain

by eerian_sadow



Series: Avalon [74]
Category: Transformers - All Media Types, Transformers Generation One
Genre: Angst, F/M, hurt but not much comfort, optimus is not okay, post-resurrection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-12-29
Updated: 2008-12-29
Packaged: 2018-09-22 20:42:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 547
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9624536
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eerian_sadow/pseuds/eerian_sadow
Summary: His very presence causes her pain.





	

**Author's Note:**

> um...yeah. its dark and a little depressing. and its begining to outline Avalonverse Optimus' issues with being resurrected and being (essentially) forced back into command of he autobots. did i mention its dark? you might want some tissues, though i'm not sure how necessary they really are.

The intensity of pain he felt when he realized that Elita-1 was being hurt by his mere presence was almost debilitating. Even as it crippled him, he understood why she hurt. The joy that she should have been able to feel from his resurrection and their reunion was tainted, blackened by his depression and desire to return to the peace of the Matrix.

She still loved him despite her pain; he was constantly assured of that through their sparkbond. But she also hated him; she could feel his desire to simply open a main fuel line and let himself bleed out as keenly as he did. She wanted to hold him, comfort him and bring him some measure of peace again even if he would never feel true happiness in life again, but she could never find the strength to do it when he constantly felt that he was unworthy of such enduring, unconditional love.

His death and resurrection were insurmountable barriers to Elita’s happiness. He wondered if it would have been better if he had stayed dead.

Optimus brushed a thumb over his mate’s cheek plate as she recharged. Her rest cycles were the only time he felt comfortable touching her; she always looked so hurt when she saw him that he tried not to inflict himself on her. She sighed gently and shifted slightly. He removed his hand so he wouldn’t disturb her rest and turned to leave.

“You can stay,” she said softly, exhaustion coloring her voice.

“If I stay, you’ll just be hurt again in the morning.”

He could hear her shifting on the recharge berth behind him, but he didn’t turn to watch. He didn’t want to see the pain he knew was in her optics at the sight of him. “It only hurts me because you won’t let me help you heal. Please, Optimus?”

He didn’t answer. Couldn’t answer, confused at the pain and love and longing he could feel from her through the bond. She wrapped her arms around his waist and rested her head against his back, and Optimus shuddered with need and longing and the desperate need for any affection she would give him.

“Stay. Let me ease your pain.” Elita pressed a gentle kiss to his back plates. “It helps me to help you.”

He didn’t protest when she tugged him back toward the recharge berth. When they lay down together, she nestled against his side like she had been made to fit there.

“I love you,” she whispered before falling back into recharge.

If he had been human, he might have burst into tears at the total truth he felt across the bond. She did love him, and for her that kept the more negative emotions at bay. It didn’t cure his self loathing, not when he did not deserve to be alive in place of so many other good mechs, but it set something inside of him free and he wished it had happened before.

As he finally found his own recharge cycle, he wondered if her pain would have been lessened if he had stayed with her after his return, rather than taking the Matrix back from Rodimus. He wondered if there could have been some measure of peace then, for both of them.  



End file.
